MAARS is City Pages Best Pet Adoption for 2006

http://citypages.com/bestof2006/boughtandsold/bestof2713.asp

Some of these made me laugh out loud.

I came across these today and found most of them quite funny. :) I thought I'd share a laugh....

Actual Headlines and Advertising Blunders

What Are They Saying?
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one.
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing.
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
House passes gas tax onto senate.
Stiff opposition expected to casket less funeral plan.
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.
William Kelly was fed secretary.
Milk drinkers are turning to powder.
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted.
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water.
Farmer bill dies in house.
Iraqi head seeks arms.

Some ads are unintentionally suggestive
Queen Mary is having bottom scraped.
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope.
Panda mating fails, veterinarian takes over.
NJ judge to rule on nude beach.
Child’s stool great for garden use.
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors.
Soviet virgin land short of goal again.
Organ festival ends in smashing climax.

Grammar often botches other headlines
Eye drops off shelf.
Squad helps dog bite victim.
Dealers will hear car talk at noon.
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax.
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests.
Miners refuse to work after death.
Two Soviet ships collide, one dies.
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter.


Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite of the intended one
Never withhold herpes from loved one.
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy.
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better.

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious
If strike isn’t settled quickly, it may last a while.
War dims hope for peace.
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency.
Cold wave linked to temperatures.
Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday.
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years.
Man is fatally slain.
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation.

Ads that didn't translate:
“Bite the wax tadpole.” Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese.
“Pepsi bring your ancestors back from the grave.” Pepsi ad slogan ‘Pepsi Comes Alive’ as originally translated into Chinese.
“It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.” Purdue chicken ad as mistranslated in Arabic.
“Mitsubishi Masturbates.” The Spanish translation for Mitsubishi Pajero.

Gwendolyn Anna and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

When I was a kid, I had a book called "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." That book title has occurred to me as I have sludged through multiple crappy circumstances in my life. I certainly felt it this morning.

First, I was so dog tired last night I konked out without doing any of my normal bedtime stuff. Monday nights, that means taking a quick tour through the house for any excess garbage since pick-up day is Tuesday. Missed that, so no doubt the can will be jam packed next week.

Then, I wake up around 1:30 AM literally unable to breathe. Nice of an asthma attack to visit while I am completely exhausted. So I fling myself out of bed, dash blindly to the living room, stubbing my toe on the way, to get my inhaler. I take 2 hits of the inhaler. I'm breathing now, but still coughing up a storm. I take 2 more hits on the inhaler - it still hurt to breathe but that helped quite a bit. Now you should know that the inhaler is a super stimulant. Think 10 cups of coffee. Great. So now I can't breathe, my toe hurts AND I'm wide awake in the middle of the night.

I decide to sit on the couch and read some email until I get tired again. An hour later I was still coughing so I decided to sleep on the couch once I got tired. Three hours later I wake up twisted in some kind of strange knot with back pain. Yipee! I was so tired and cranky that I just straightened myself out and went back to sleep.

About 7AM I hear Tom get up. Damn, time to get up. I drag myself back to bed and sleep for another 20 minutes while I wait for Tom to finish in the bathroom. I convince myself to get up and wander off to get ready. Tom gave me a smooch, asked how I was feeling, and headed off to work. Shortly thereafter I realize that the toilet hasn't been flushed for 15 minutes or so but the water in the tank is still running. I jiggle the handle to no avail. I decide to take the lid off and see what's going on. Bad idea. No sooner did I lift the lid then the little water hose flies off the stack thingy and water starts spraying all over the place. I grab the float but realize I somehow need to fix this as it would not work for me to stand around holding the float up all day. I try to push the hose back on the water spout thingy. It works OK for about 5 seconds and the hose flies off again. I repeat this cycle about 7 times, swearing profusely and getting damn cold as I am now soaked by hose spray. Somehow I manage to wedge the hose between the stack and the tank wall just so and rush to grab a cup so I can add water from the sink and get the float up as fast as possible. Just as the float rises to the right spot to cut off the water, I bump the flusher and away we go again.

Once I got the toilet under control and changed into DRY clothing, I headed out to work. The sun must be extra pretty today, because for no reason there was a far worse than normal traffic jam on I-394. Bah. It took me 25 minutes to go 8 miles to downtown.

Other than than, my day has been really, really, really, really boring. I have a dental check-up this afternoon. I'm guessing they'll find a cavity.

It's just been that kind of day.

Accomplishments Meme

These are the things I've done, I've done. These are the things I've done....

(X) Smoked a cigarette
(X) Drank so much you threw up
(X) Crashed a friend's car
( ) Stolen a car
(X) Been in love
(X) Shoplifted
(X) Quit your job
( ) Filed for divorce
( ) Been in a fist fight
(X) Broken a bone
(X) Saved someone's life
(x) Been arrested
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Lied to a friend
(X) Skipped school
(X) Seen someone die
(X) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Been stung by a bee (I am super allergic...)
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently coloured your hair
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Lost over 20 pounds
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Had your opinion printed in the newspaper
(X) Taken a bubble bath with someone
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a party
(X) Gone roller-skating
(X) Ice-skating

Dang - I've been busy...

My life is pretty darn good.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	8.3
Mind:	8.1
Body:	7
Spirit:	8.8
Friends/Family:	5.4
Love:	9.1
Finance:	9.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz